I haven't actually journaled since I've been home and I really should be. Everything is really hard. I'm binging like crazy lately, well at least for the last two days. I'm feeling like shit. I feel so lonely. So alone I'm obsessing about the fact that it's so hard for me to have a one on one conversation with anyone.
Someday I will write my story like my parents always tell me to. I guess like with everything else in my life that I fail at, it requires self discipline. After all, I'm supposed to journal everyday and this is only the second time I've journaled since I've been home. Oreo keeps walking onto the page and playing with the pen. It's cute, but annoying. Someday I will explore my spirituality deeper and figure out what exactly I believe in. I need to start taking care of myself again, eat my plan, fight binging harder, and exercise more. I hate how I always have something covering my clock so I never know what time it is. I'm assuming it's like 3 in the morning. All I know is I have a headache. I've been bitching at everyone lately. I really think I'm depressed again. I don't understand it though, because I've been taking my medicine everyday. I told my mom I wasn't suicidal again and that I wanted to fucking live already and I was just tired of not living. I didn't want to die, but I wanted A FUCKING LIFE!! That's partially true, but part of me is suicidal. Part of me just feels hopeless and wishes I could just end it now, because nothing is going to change....god I hope that's not true. I think I'm just so frustrated that I came home and just went back to the same situation. I wanted so much to come home and for things to be amazing or at least different. That I would have a whole bunch of friends...maybe even a boyfriend. I would've stopped binging, kept losing weight and definitely be out of the 200's by now. But here I am the same weight, if not more than I was when I left, lonelier than ever, and having a really hard time with binging and feeling depressed again. When is something going to give?!?! I'm so tired of this bullshit. I'm tired of being fat and I'm FUCKING TIRED OF BEING ALONE!! When is it my turn to be happy???
It's around this time each year that things get really bad and I end up in a hospital. I'm destroying everything again, sabotaging myself. I don't go to my job interviews when I get them, I'm smoking pot all the time, I'm binging like crazy, my room is a mess again, I'm feeling suicidal. I just want to die and I think about it ALL THE TIME! Even when I'm with friends I'm sitting there thinking about all of the things I'm scared of and how it's going to be ok if I die because then I wont have to deal with any of it. I want to get an apartment, but then I think I'm too scared to live in the city and come home by myself at night. I wish I had people to live with, but I don't! I don't understand why I have to be punished with this life. Why do I have to watch everyone else in my life actually live and have a life. Fall in love, kiss, experience, NOT be huge and depressed all of the time. They are able to talk to people without clamming up. They have more than one friend. They've experienced happiness! I want this. I'm tired of this life. I'm tired of not living. I'M TIRED OF FEAR CONTROLLING MY LIFE! I HATE THIS!! I'M FUCKING TIRED OF THIS SHIT! TOMORROW I NEED TO START RECOVERY AGAIN! I NEED TO START LIVING ONE DAY AT A TIME! I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I NEED TO MAKE A LIST AND STICK TO IT!! STOP DREAMING!! START DOING!! I wish I could imagine my life without thinking death is my only option. Part of why I want to die is for a fresh start, but I guess what I really need to do is make a fresh start on my own. That's what getting out of the hospitals was supposed to be each time I got out. But NO NO FUCKING NO I HAD TO FUCK THAT UP TOO!!!! I wish I was stoned or had an outlet, a healthy outlet for all of this anger I have inside me. I want to be hypnotized to help with my binging and social anxiety. I should call DeeDee tomorrow and ask if I can see her because this place I am in is not good and it scares me. Especially when I looked at the bottle of Lithium and thought how easy it would be to try again.