I'm so sick of all these people here. I'm not losing weight fast enough and everyday I want to cry. My therapist keeps giving me assignments to try and help me not hate myself anymore. For some reason I don't want to let go of it. Everyone here is so fucking immature. Annie is even annoying me now. Bah I don't even know what to say. Everyone here listens to awful music. I know I'm going to be here longer than six months because there is no way in hell I'm going to leave this place without having lost the weight. I'm so sick of Shannon and her constant need to put everyone down, it's so fucking stupid. I can't believe it's going to be June next week. It's almost my fucking birthday and I still weigh so fucking much! I'm fucking scared I'm going to have to leave before I lose the weight. I can’t deal with that, I never want to live the way I've lived for most of my life EVER AGAIN!! Somethings gotta give. HELP ME LOSE THE WEIGHT PLEASE!!!! HELP ME LOVE MYSELF PLEASE!!!! I need to get the fuck away from these people soon but thats NOT going to happen because I can't and WON'T leave if I don't lose the FUCKING FAT!! I FUCKING CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK THESE PEOPLE!! I'M FUCKING ANGRY!!!!!!!!
Losing weight is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, thing to do. Eating disorder or not that shit takes work. I needed to be admitted into Chestnut because doing it on my own just wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t have the knowledge or the patience to learn how to do it successfully. I was an addict who didn’t want her drug to be taken away. Food controlled me. There is no other way to put it. As soon as something landed in my mouth a switch in my brain would click and I became completely powerless. There was no use in fighting it because I knew I would lose. Partially because I didn’t want to win. I wanted to eat. I wanted to keep eating, and I didn’t care how I felt afterwards -- until afterwards came and I was catatonic or crying.
During the time I was in Warner they kind of didn’t know how to handle a person who needed to lose weight. Their program for people with a binge eating disorder was more or less the same as the program for a person who was anorexic or bulimic. The only difference was the amount of calories you were allotted when you were on a level where they still prepared your food for you. That, and a once every other week support group, with outpatients who had had gastric bypass surgery. I’m sorry former fat ladies, but I just couldn’t relate to you. This was pre the days of, The Biggest Loser and obesity was even more of a stigma than it is today. The health care system just didn’t really know what to do with us. At the time, according to the DSM (a book that the American Psychiatric Society publishes every few years to classify mental diagnoses), Binge Eating wasn’t even considered a true disorder. I also think the fact that the population at Warner was 90% anorexic or bulimic didn’t help. From my experience, which was only the month or so that I was there, they didn’t have a reason or need, to develop their program more. Not enough people were being admitted. Again, that’s just my take on it. It’s not to say that I didn’t learn anything about nutrition there. I still saw a nutritionist once a week. But it wasn’t enough. Warner for me was about internal healing. It was about finding myself, digging deep, and dealing with the issues that were causing my disorder. It opened me up to be able to start mentally preparing myself for losing weight. Then I entered Chestnut.
What drew my parents, treatment team, and I to Chestnut was their success rate with obesity. We knew that when I was admitted, weight loss was going to be one of the main focuses of my treatment. As much as I hated so many aspects of being there, one of the biggest reasons I never signed myself out, was because I immediately saw results and started dropping weight. At first I couldn’t understand how, nor did I have any desire to understand it. I just ate what they gave me and started to look forward to weigh in days. Eating and losing wasn’t going to be enough though. I needed to know what I was doing, how I was doing it, and how I could keep doing it when I got home. Because, not only was I aware that I was still going to need to lose weight when eventually I did go home, but I had already faced the fact that food was always going to be an issue for me. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic and a food addict is always a food addict. It’s ingrained in me as a coping mechanism and for the rest of my life it is going to be something I have to work with and be aware of.
Enter my Dietician Tasha.
From the first moment I met Tasha I knew she was going to help change my life. She was no bullshit in a super sarcastic way that just totally meshed with my personality. From day one we got each other. She knew that I was the type of patient who worked well in a structured environment. I would thrive in the hospital and she would see success from me, but going home was going to be the real challenge. She knew I was going to get discouraged and be hard on myself when my weight inevitably plateaued. And she knew the environment I was living in at Chestnut was going to drive me bat shit crazy.
Tasha did everything in her power to make sure I would leave Chestnut with all of the information and understanding I needed in order to continue succeeding at home. She supported and encouraged me and broke down the barrier between doctor and patient. She became a friend and it was exactly what I needed. Someone who I respected and could also be comfortable with, who would take me out of my crazy unit and go for a walk with me, or bring me to her office and just chat and drink coffee. Most importantly, she would be my cheerleader. Tasha believed in me. She wanted me to succeed just as much, if not more, than I wanted to, and because of that I did.
6/9/05- 9:42 PM Lasagna
6/10/05-10:00 PM Ice cream 10:14 pm McDonalds chicken sandwich, Strawberry milkshake, Coke
6/11/05- 9:22 PM Cheeseburger, Ice cream, Coke, French fries, Honey mustard...OH MY GOD I'M FUCKING HUNGRY!!
6/12/05-12:10 AM Baked Lays, Cheese Ritz Bitz, Pretzels 1:00 AM Chocolate cake, Ice cream cake, Candy bars
6/13/05- 9: 22 PM Arizona iced tea, Coffee ice cream. Feeling frustrated that I can't have it, and scared that I still want to binge.