I need to STOP eating impulsively and compulsively. Once I stop doing this I will start to lose weight. Also I need to start using my exercise contract more. My goal is to do it at least twice a week. GET UP AND WALK TOMORROW!! Remember Alicia said with the amount of calories I'm in-taking right now I will not lose weight. Eat Balanced! Do not over do it or under do it. I can do this! Recovery is possible and I deserve it!! Also important to remember to keep room clean, get to appointments and groups on time, and bring my schedule with me to every group to get signed. MUST BECOME MORE ORGANIZED!! I should try to journal more. Should also try to prepare for going home. I will be going home in eleven days. BAH that's so soon!! Begin to prepare my goodbyes for the healing garden. Shower everyday. STOP WEARING SWEATSHIRT ALL THE TIME TO COVER MYSELF UP!! When I get home I def am going to make a scrapbook!! Oh yeah, get pictures developed!! I got fifty bucks from mom and I'm getting 30.00 from Grandma. Spend carefully, have a budget! Call Lorenna about applications tomorrow. Remind myself it's not the end of the world if I don't get in touch with Bill...bah why do I want to call him. Okay time to get clothes out of washer and put in drier. This is such a weird journal entry...how come I don't date my entries...hmmmm..
So I saw the aftercare lady Pam and I just filled out all the aftercare contact sheets and stuff. It kinda just hit me that I'm going going home in like six days.....okay wow it seemed a lot shorter in my head, 6 days is a lot. Well whatever I started to realize that I'm going home soon. I had my last family session today. It went well except for the whole internet thing. People can't understand why that’s such a big deal to me.
I lost three pounds! I went from 288 to 285 :). This makes me feel like the work I'm doing is being validated. This is really important. I just had an amazing conversation with dad but it got cut short because my phone card ran out. I can't find my other two cards so I can't call him back. I hope he doesn't think I hung up on him. Just talking to him made me realize how much work I've accomplished here. My flight is at 1:15 on Wednesday but I have to get there at like 11:00 or so. I can't wait to get home. There is so much to do when I get there but I think I'm ready to deal with it. I'm scared about being responsible for my meds. I wish I was going home this Wednesday and not next Wednesday. I have to find out how long it's going to take to get to Ft. Lauderdale airport. Rachel has relationships in recovery until eleven. Is that enough time to get to the airport??? Where and what will I have for lunch. Bah so many things to take care of and figure out. I hope this week goes by quick. God I really am going to miss Rachel and this place so much :(...but I'm ready to go home. Ali's experiential affected me SOOOOO MUCH! I know why but I still wonder since my abuse story is still so foreign and distant from me. My reaction to Ali's story validates even more that something happened to me. It's still so hard for me to believe it though. I wonder why??? I'm the only one in Stage 3 this week so they aren't having my groups I don't think. That sucks so much because I need them now more than ever. Luckily today I didn't have survivor process so I got to go to experiential. I hope Ali isn't mad about me telling Rachel the little bit I told her. I wonder why I feel the need to tell Rachel everything. Maybe it's because we have such a strong connection and friendship.
I have a fucking headache, it's pounding and I'm sweating like a mother fucker. I've been thinking about going home all day today. A coheed song came on MTV2 and reminded me of Lorenna. Then I called my mom on Rach's cell phone and she talked about how my dad was going to pick me up from the airport and then we were all gonna go out for dinner at night. She's so weird, she asked me if I would be okay with all of us going out to dinner together. I was like "why would that not be okay" and she goes "Well because you said you weren't okay with us together." Oh my god my mom is so nuts. I said that because when they dropped me off here it was her, my dad, and I sleeping in the same hotel room. How my mom related that weirdness to my going to dinner with them hahaha I don't know. Anyway it made it even more real that I'm going home. I'm ready to leave and apply everything I've learned here to my situations at home. Bah, I really just need to get out of here.
I ate impulsively today and I'm really scared that I'm going to find out that I gained weight when I get weighed tomorrow. I've had a hard time getting to sleep lately, hopefully it will be easier today. I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM!!! Why am I so frustrated. I'm supposed to be doing my writing expressions class but for some reason I'm so upset. I don't know what I'm upset about. I feel like it has something to do with rejection, but from who or what? Maybe I'm realizing that it's time for me to leave and there is no use in me getting to know someone even if I think they're really cool. I've come to a point in my life now where something has ended, an era in my life is over and now it's time to move on. Maybe this is what I'm sad about, maybe it's something else all together. All I know is that I'm very confused. God I want to go home so bad, It's time to get back to life. There are so many people I'm going to miss here, people who I wish I had gotten to know better. I hate saying goodbye but waiting to have to say goodbye is even harder. My mind is half here and half at home. I miss Bill. I miss Lorenna. I miss my parents. I miss Danielle. I miss Roxy. I miss Oreo. I miss my bed. I miss my room. I miss my computer. I miss my car. I miss my house. I miss driving around forever with Lorenna. I miss getting stoned with my friends. I miss Michael's. I miss Huntington. I miss laughing with Lorenna. I miss New York. I miss rocking out in my car to the 80's mix. I miss Murray. I miss Dan. I miss online. I miss the good times. IM SO FUCKING HOMESICK I WANT TO SCREAM AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!! I WANT TO CRY AND NOT HAVE THE WORLD ALL OVER MY FUCKING ASS!!! IT'S TIME TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (BREATHE)