I've been binging more than usual lately and god knows I haven't been keeping to the meal plan. Yesterday I stepped on the scale and it said 295. I'm hoping it was wrong. It better be wrong or else I'm right back to where I was before Warner. Once again I said I was going to exercise and I didn't. Also I didn't look for the eating disorder groups like I told Jill I would. I've been lying to my dad about sleeping and I've been skipping some medicine. I haven't been honest with anyone, not even Rachel. I feel really bad about not being honest with her because she's been so honest with me and how she's doing. I feel like if she was here things would be easier because I'd have someone who understands me and what I'm going through.
I'm scared about living with Kat, I don't know if I can do it. Also, I'm scared about not getting a job. I'm scared about living on my own and about my parents getting the rent and utilities checks in on time. I'm scared I'm going to have no friends. I'm scared I'm going to become lonely and depressed. I'm scared I'm going to try and kill myself again. I'm scared I'm going to eat other people's food. I'm scared Bill is never going to talk to me again. I'm scared I'm going to be this fat forever. I'm scared I'll never have a BF or GF. I'm scared I'll never be kissed. I'm scared of remembering my past while living on my own. I'm scared that when Rachel comes to visit I won’t be able to keep the environment safe for her. I'm scared Rachel is getting sicker and not better. I'm scared I'm getting sicker and not better. I'm scared we will never be better. I'm scared Lorenna is going to stop being my friend. I'm scared Bill is going to die and I won’t be able to go to his funeral. I'm scared I still love him. I'm scared of falling in love with someone else. I'm scared of my cat attacking my feet tonight. I'm scared of seeing Stephanie. I'm scared of caving in and becoming her friend again. I'm scared of loving myself. I'm scared of losing weight. I'm scared of not losing weight. I'm scared I'm going to stop my meds. I'm scared of people not liking me. I'm scared I'm a freak. I'm scared I'm going to be raped or molested. I'm scared of sex. I'm scared of my sexuality. I'm scared I'm a disgusting person. I'm scared people are going to think I'm gross because I'm fat. I'm scared I still hate myself. I'm scared I'm losing everything I gained at Warner, including my friendship with Rachel. I'm scared of so many fucking things that sometimes fear runs my life.
I've been binging more often than not since I've been home and it's getting harder and harder not to beat myself up about it. I'm still ashamed of it and lie about it still. I tell people I've slipped up a few times, which is bullshit. I've slipped up MANY TIMES. God It's so hard to remember that it's okay and this is just a really hard process. Sometimes I wish I was back at Warner. I'm jealous of how good Rachel has been doing. I shouldn't compare myself. I am so pissed right now my whole body can feel it. Uhg I need to punch someone or kick someone. BLAH!!
Sat, Sep. 4th, 2004, 04:10 am
Soooo Nassau Isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. English is ridiculously dumb tho, we don’t do anything. No work except five essays for the whole semester. Now that the school year has started I’m even more pissed about not being able to afford to go back to SVA this year than I was before. I almost cried when I was at Lorenna’s the night before she left cause I was so upset I wasn’t going back. That and obv cause i’d be missing Lorenna but I’ll be seeing her lots anyway considering I live in Queens now. Uhhhhhggggg god damn money problems and god damn SVA for being so fucking expensive. I saw Liz on the first day of school tho. That was cool. She’s gonna try and switch into my remedial math class. Yeap I have to take math at Nassau and I suck at math so I’m in a non credit remedial class three days a week. Awesome bahh!!! My photo class is pretty cool tho even tho I’m one of the only people who knows stuff about photo. It’s no SVA but it's still good.
I’ve been such a fuck up lately, it’s only my first week of school and I’ve already missed my 2d design class due to having to get my ID and it being too late and my photo history class due to depression and sleeping in. Yeah I gotta get my ass into gear with my life. I gotta start taking my medicine consistently, get to my therapy appointments at Warner NY (I haven’t been to therapy in about a month). I need to start sleeping at night, I need to get a job, and if this apartment thing stays the way it is I need to move out when my lease is up and admit to myself that I’m not healthy enough yet to be living on my own. I’m starting to scare myself tho. Like I haven’t been this depressed since before stuff. Yeah....I just gotta get more structure in my life and get my shit together. Being in school is helping but it’s not enough. I had a breakdown tonight but it was good. Oy, I wish Rachel lived in New York.
Current Mood: Awake
Current Music: Frou Frou- Let go