Thu. Dec 9th, 2004, 06:00 am
INSURANCE COMPANIES FUCK UP MY LIFE.........FUCK THIS SHIT I CAN'T TAKE GOING THRU THIS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Current Mood: Angry
It's 2005 and I feel like I'm going to die if I have to wait any longer to get into Chestnut. My life is all about how I will live after I get out of Chestnut and have lost all this weight. I've been saying this a lot lately but I want to throw up. It's the only thing I can think to say in response to everything I guess. I really do feel that way too. I cut my hair impulsively. I was just going to cut my bangs and now it's all short and stupid. I miss Rachel, I wish Lorenna considered me her best friend still. It hurts to be around her and Jamie. Sometimes I think if I was skinny we'd be better friends. I guess I miss Stephanie only because I miss having a best friend. I miss Rachel because she is my best friend, but lives in Florida and now that she's in rehab and can’t use the phone it almost feels like she doesn't exist.
I'm terrified of turning twenty. I wish I didn't hate myself. I hope when I lose this weight I'm hot. I think I will be. I think I'm pretty except for the weight. It's true I really do think that surprisingly enough. I need to take care of myself. I'm scared of life....it's sad. I need to get into Chestnut before I try to kill myself again. I'm scared I'm going to. I feel really weird right now. Can't sleep, anxious, scared!! I NEED HELP NOW!!! FUCK INSURANCE COMPANIES!!!! Azure Ray is amazing. I'm random. That says alot about me, it really does. My back feels nervous, why? I'm weird.
Sun, Feb. 6th, 2005, 01:29 pm
Yeah I never write in here but I feel the need to. I just got home from Virginia. Me and my mom drove down there to check out the hospital so we can see exactly what we’re fighting for and if it's worth it. It soooooooooooooo is!!! And we figured out that I can have Medicaid as a secondary insurance but keep my dads as a primary. And since Chestnut has a contract with New York Medicaid it would be a lot easier for me to get in. I did find out that it's not 6 months its 6-9 months, but whatever, I know I need this and this place is perfect for me, except for the fact that its in Virginia. Before we left this morning I looked at the newspaper and yesterday in Richmond they banned gay marriage and passed a law that allows school prayer. Blech!!!
We visited and stayed with Omelia (the woman who took care of my mom, her sisters and brothers when they were kids). I love her she's so funny and I always love seeing her. It was so sad though cause she’s like 93 and she’s outlived both her daughter and her granddaughter. She lives on a tobacco plantation that was her grandfathers, who was a slave and became a sharecropper. Anyway, most of her family live in trailers on the plantation so she's surrounded by her family which is good. Her brother George came over one day and he’s younger than her but in worse health. It was really sad cause when he left she goes "I don’t know what I’m gonna do if I lose him....it makes me sad every time I see him." :( Being there made me just realize a lot of things about life.
It was funny how she looked at death. Like, she read the obituaries every day and when her brother came over he asked for the paper to, "see who’s gone." They would laugh about it and be like, "oh well we all gotta go sometime", but that was about people who they only kinda knew. Three people they knew died while I was there. On the last day her niece died but she has so much family she hardly knew her. The mother, father and niece of the woman who died came over and that was awkward. Omelia was surprised they came over cause she said they hadn’t been to the trailer in like 2 years.
At night because there are no lights the stars are amazing. They come all the way down to where the trees of the woods are. It feels like you’re in a planetarium. Yeah, I’m getting tired of typing but one last thing, my mom and I got along the whole time and even had so much fun together!! The night before we left for this trip I was crying to my dad about how was I gonna survive for three days with my mom. Well I did and it was fun and prob one of the best times we have ever had together!! So all in all this trip was a complete success. Now it’s time to keep fighting the insurance company and get me into Chestnut!
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: blonde redhead-pink love