So I just had the best nutrition appointment that I've had since I've been here. I guess sometimes it takes a long time to make a breakthrough. For some reason while I was here I never made the correlation between my parents and my eating disorder, even though I think I've made this correlation before. Anyway for a long time my parents would make me go on diets. Even more recently they threatened that if I didn't go on a diet and take my meds everyday they would send me to LIJ hospital. My mom would constantly hide food from me and both of my parents would constantly comment on what I was eating and how much I was eating. This led me to lie about foods, hide foods, binge, eat alone a lot, go out and eat in my car, throw the bags out in other people's garbage cans just so my parents wouldn't know. I have eaten in bathrooms, my room, my sisters room, a closet. I have shoved food in my mouth and forced myself to finish in a second just cause I hear or think I hear my parents coming. I have sat on wrappers, hid food behind my back or under blankets, sweatshirts, anything. I have literally put food in my pockets and up my shirt so I could run to my room without my parents seeing. Now even today at Warner I eat impulsively because I have a fear that If I don't eat it now I won't be able to later. My food is my food no one else's especially NOT MY PARENTS!! My parents need to get out of my food, or else I don't see how I will ever learn how to recover!! I shouldn't be made to feel shame for eating! I don't deserve that!
Does any parent know how to deal with a child suffering from addiction? Is that something they teach you in your mommy and daddy-to-be support groups? I doubt it. What my parents had to deal with by having me as a kid, is all the birth control I have ever needed. I know the reward in the end is worth it. I know my parents love me and wouldn’t trade anything they went through. I know how proud they are of both my sister and me and how lucky they feel to have us as daughters. But boy, adolescence is long, especially when it lasts until you’re in your twenties.
My parents dealt with my issues the best they could. When the weight started piling on, they put me on diets. When my binging became apparent and the groceries they just bought with their hard earned money began disappearing, they started hiding food. When I refused to take my medicine, they took it into their own hands and gave it to me every morning and every night. When I got stuck in TV land, they took the TV away. When I started getting sucked into drama on the internet, they stopped letting me use the computer. When I started stealing money, they threatened to kick me out. They grounded me, put me in therapy, and took me to a psychiatrist. No matter how angry, bitchy, or disrespectful I got, they were always there. Always giving me the help I needed. Always trying to figure out how they could do more. They never gave up on me and because of that, they saved my life.
Unfortunately it would be a long time before I would see it this way.
The more I learned in Warner about the causes and triggers of an eating disorder, the better I was able to place each one of the above methods my parents used in an attempt to help me onto my list of reasons why I was sick. I berated them in family therapy about how they failed me, and listed all of the symptoms that were created due to their actions. My fear of food deprivation, my inability to hold myself responsible, and so on. I was pissed that my life had turned out the way it had. Angry that I weighed nearly 300 lbs., angry that I was in a hospital, and angry that I couldn’t just be a normal eighteen year old girl enjoying college, making stupid mistakes and getting sloppy drunk with her new best friends. I didn’t know who to blame and so my mom and dad got the brunt of it.
In the midst of my rage against them my dad called to tell me that he didn’t think he could afford to send me back to The School of Visual Arts. I was livid. My therapist and I scheduled a family therapy appointment to discuss it with them. As soon as they were both on the phone I lost it. How could this be possible? Didn’t they plan for my eventual move to college? Wasn’t it bad enough that they had made me a commuter kid? Now they were going to take my education away from me?! They pleaded their case. They were devastated to have to do this to me, but they couldn’t afford to take the chance. What if I wasn’t better when I got home? What if I had to take another leave? Everything they said was valid. I was miserable at SVA so much so that I barely even made it into the city to go to class. How could I expect them to drown me in student loan debt for a private, ridiculously expensive college when I couldn’t even make it through the first three months?
Despite those clear facts I was inconsolable. My parents knew how hard I had worked to get into my dream school. It was one of the few positive benchmarks I had that proved I was capable and they were the last people on the planet who would want to take that away from me. They agreed that If I could come up with more than $2,000 by the time the next school year started, I could go back. I now know this was not only just a compromise, but a way for me to prove to them my ability to be responsible. It was more than fair, but if my therapist hadn’t been in the room to tell me so, I probably would have started screaming again.
As an adult I can see every purpose for every rule and decision my parents tried to implement with me. Their patience was astounding. They did the best they could and showed me everyday the definition of unconditional love. I hope that if the day ever comes where my husband and I do decide to have a kid that number one they are just like my husband (who I’ve been told was an angel growing up) and number two that I find the qualities my parents found in order to take care of, grow, and love their child. Tom Romeo and MaryBeth White, I am beyond grateful for you both. Thank you for giving me life over and over again.
So all of this stuff is going on about SVA. I really do want to go there but I'm starting to question the reasons why. Do I want to go there just so I can tell people I go there? Do I want to go there just because Lorenna is going there? Or do I want to go because I really want photography to be my career? I love photography and I really thought that was what I wanted to do, but I was just so intimidated by everyone else's work at SVA. I don't know if I started to question myself because of this or if I started to question myself because it just wasn't for me. UHGGGG I WISH I JUST KNEW IF I WANTED TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER!!!! There is definitely a part of me that wants to do this, but there is also a part of me that doubts it too. Would psychology be better for me? Somehow I still think that would be such an unhealthy career path for me. I have to take pictures with the disposable cameras I have. I need to figure this out and soon. God I wish Carly would just fucking cash my check so I could maybe develop a roll of film. Fuck but I have so many things I need to spend money on.
List: cigarettes, food on excursions, maybe drink and food when I go out, paying back Nicki.....OY! Oh shit and now shampoo and conditioner cause the fucking cleaning lady threw mine out!!! Julia said she would buy me some but she didn't, Liz said she would buy me cigarettes but she didn't! Oh yeah and I have to get Danielle a birthday card. I don't have enough money for these things at all! I'm going to have to not get things when I'm out unless I really need them.
Oh yeah in order for me to be able to go back to SVA I have to get a job and make 2,750 dollars over the summer....BAH! OY! I'll have to be a waitress or hostess thats the only way I'll be able to make that amount of money in 3 months. I really need to take pictures and see if this is what I'm meant to do. We will see. My stomach feels weird every time I talk or write about this......what does that meannn?? Blah...sleep.
Things I need from Mom and Dad when I get home