Therapy Assignment-The Ideal Me
The Ideal me would be able to meet someone and start up a conversation with them. The Ideal me wouldn't get scared or nervous whenever I'm left alone with someone or have to talk to someone I just met. I would love myself but not be full of myself. I would be beautiful and feel beautiful. I would make friends easily. I wouldn't latch on to unhealthy needy people. I would go to school consistently and do my work without procrastinating. I wouldn't feel intimidated by other people's work. I would not invalidate my talent because of my insecurities. I would have a job and get to my job consistently. I would make it to my appointments consistently. I would be organized. I would take care of myself. I wouldn't stay in bed all day. I would take my medicine every day. I would not relapse. I wouldn't be scared of being touched. I wouldn't be scared of having an intimate relationship. I wouldn't have to worry about ever trying to kill myself again. I wouldn't lie so much, or steal. I would forgive people and wouldn't hold on to things for so long. I would find it in myself to forgive my mom and not only understand that this is who she is, but accept and be okay with that. I would be able to survive living on my own. I wouldn't be so paranoid about people hurting me and fucking me over all the time. I wouldn't be so defensive. I wouldn't take my anger out on my parents or close friends. I would express my anger appropriately. I would be assertive. I wouldn't be obsessive about everything.
I feel completely alone. I just found out Danielle isn't coming for my birthday because she can't get off from work. I have no one to talk to here. I hung up on dad because he started to go into this whole thing where I shouldn't talk to him about things that deal with other people like my mom and sister. I DIDN'T EVEN BRING UP MY FUCKING MOM, I JUST ASKED IF DANIELLE WAS COMING!!! Rachel is in rehab so I can't talk to her. I already got into a huge fight with my mom about the visit so I can't talk to her either.
I just talked to my dad again and he just pissed me off even more. He was like, “This is a lesson, you're just going to have to deal with this” FUCK THAT! DON'T FUCKING TELL ME IT'S A LESSON!!! NO SHIT!! BUT I STILL HURT AND AM GOING TO HAVE A SHITTY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then Steve and Carrie we're talking about how horrible it is that we can make phone calls until 10:25. They had the nerve to say “having a party.” OH YEAH I'M HAVING A FUCKING BLAST! MY GOD WHO WOULD WANT TO GO HOME WHEN THEY COULD STAY UP TIL 10:30 AND MAKE PHONE CALLS!! HOW FUCKING PRIVILLAGED WE ARE!!!!!!
I need to listen to music. Why did I give Ashley the CD player?!!? FUCK!!!!!
I stopped journaling for a long time and whenever I tried I just couldn't. I need to just force myself like I'm doing right now because otherwise when I go home I'm going to be missing coping skills and I need more otherwise I'll relapse. I've been feeling so lonely. Lorenna and everyone are having so much fun at home. I wish I was stoned and numb. But I hate being numb. I have so much pain inside of me and I don't know what to do with it. So much has happened over the last month and I'm so overwhelmed.