Thu, May 20th, 2004, 06:29 am
So I’m home :P and I have to admit its really scary. Especially now cause my dad just left for work and I'm home by myself for the first time in almost 3 months. I miss camp Warner and all my girls! ESPECIALLY RACHEL!! I really can't explain how much warner has changed my life. I am a completely different person than I was before. For the first time in my life I’m actually starting to like myself. Who would’ve ever thought that an eating disorder treatment center could change my life tremendously for the better and also actually be fun at times....weird. I’m going to miss seeing my therapist Jan everyday, cause Jan was the fucking shit! Bahhh so I was crying all yesterday cause I was scared being home and also because I miss Rachel so much. Try living with someone who becomes one of your best friends for two months and then fucking leave the state. I can’t wait till she gets out so she can come visit me. I can’t even explain the intensity of our friendship and how equal, honest, and genuine it was. Bah it was so fucking hard when she drove me to the airport. Both of us just hysterically cried :"(. Oh man, so I had a disposable camera that I took some awesome pics when me, Jean, Ash, and Rach went out the night before I left. It had all the pics with the people on the smoke porch and pics with me Rach and Ash on the way to the airport. Ummmm I FUCKING LEFT THE CAMERA AT THE AIRPORT!!! I’ve never been so upset!! Granted it was one of like 5 cameras that I took pics with. But those were such fucking good pics!! Bahhh made me sad. Neway I’m home and I’m really good and yes it’s going to be a long struggle. But that’s all part of recovery. And yes it’s scary as fuck but I’m going to work thru it. Oh yeah by the way, awesome fucking night seeing Lorenna and Murray!! Like old times :P
Current Mood: Happy
I haven't journaled since I left Warner. I need to keep journaling. So, since I've been back I've binged. Not as much as I used to, but still more than I wish I had. It's been such a struggle, much harder than I thought it would be. The outpatient program hasn't really helped at all and it's ending next Wednesday thank god. I'm hoping I'll get hired at H&M and it will keep me busy, more structured, and hopefully allow me to make the amount of money I need in order to be able to go back to SVA. I wish so hard that my mom would let me get this apartment with Kat, it would be so amazing. Bah, there is so much stuff to write but I don't know how to get it all out. My head is swarming with thoughts. I need to start taking pictures, my camera is just sitting there. I really am having a hard time knowing if photography is for me anymore which kind of scares me a lot!! I hope my parents don't ever read this and see that I'm worrying about that. I WANT THE APARTMENT SOOOOOO FUCKING BAD!!!! How come I really feel like I'm not gonna get it. This isn't fair UHG!!! It's two in the morning but I really want to call my mom and beg. Why does my mom have to be so fucking stubborn. Why does the lease have to be such a big deal?!??! No matter what I do whether I dorm or have an apartment I have to sign some form of lease!! I'm so not even tired!!! WHEN AM I GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT?!? I'm so frustrated and angry. Can't something go my way for fuck sake!! Haven't I gone through enough losses! DON'T I DESERVE THIS CHANCE?!?!?! I miss the safety of Warner I didn't have to worry about binging. I didn't have to worry about jobs or friends or anything. I just had to worry about myself and working on my problems. I wish things went back to being that simple. Life is so hard and frustrating and full of disappointments UHHHGG!!!!
Sun, May 30th, 2004, 11:46 pm
Soooooooo ummm guess who’s gonna be moving into an apartment in Astoria Queens in August?? OH I BELIEVE THAT’D BE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so fucking psyched! Kat's two roommates moved out and now I’mmmmm getting one of the rooms!! Ahhhhhhhh!! I really just can’t believe that I’m gonna be living in my own fucking apartment!!!! My parents okayed it now we just have to sign the lease. Holy shit it’s gonna be fucking amazing!! The apartment is awesome and fucking huge!!!! Oh yea did I mention I’ll have cable? I’LL GET TO WATCH DEGRASSI!!!!! So excited!!!!!!! On another note I’m almost done scrap booking pmac renraw!! I accidentally put camp Warner on the cover. But no worries! I’m so gonna change that to pmac renraw as soon as I go to Micheal’s and get more letters. I need a cigarette but I’m fuckin lazy. Oh well...:P ltr
Current Mood: Excited
Current Music: Cibo Mato- Birthday Cake