I just talked to Rachel, I miss her so much! She's doing so well, I'm so happy for her! I really do think that someday we will be able to get an apartment together and be really great for each other. I will need to get over my need to smoke pot and drink for fun. Tonight was my first eat group and it went REALLY WELL!! I'm really proud of myself and I'm starting to feel like I can actually do this when I leave. When I left Warner I just guessed exchanges and portion sizes, but now I know the exact amount which makes a world of difference! God I can't wait until I lose more weight and get closer to MY goal weight. Shopping is going to be fun and I'll finally get to dress the way I want. I'm going to finally cut my hair and pierce my nose. Maybe even get a tattoo. I don't know, all I know is I'm starting to see that I'm pretty and that I'm a cool person. I'm glad I've started journaling again this is really good for me. For some reason it's easier for me to journal in a plain notebook like this instead of a fancy journal.
I wonder when I'll be able to visit Rachel in California. If I feel ready for it I'm gonna ask for a plane ticket as a christmas present. Who knows though. It's so weird, I haven't seen her in over a year but I still love her so much and she's still the best friend I've ever had. I really can't wait to see her.
I miss Bill even though he's still fucked up and I probably shouldn't be friends with him anymore. One of the nurses pissed me off once again and made a comment about my family having money, ummmm right, my family doesn't have any money. Just because we live in New York and I'm white doesn't mean we have money. UHGGGG she fucking pisses me off. This is like the fucking umpteenth comment she's made about me and my life all because I'm from New York. Well at least I'm not ignorant FUCKER!!!
I hope someday I really do write a memoir and it gets published. People would probably hate me....oh well. I really wish I'd actually get my package from Lorenna and everyone. I miss her but I still need to deal with my jealousy of her. I need to write Danielle a long truthful letter and get everything out before I go home and have to live with her. I need to get rid of all of those issues of jealousy and such. Okay why did Michelle just walk in the room and stand and stare at me? How come since Sascha was my roommate I haven't had a roommate who lets me have private quiet time to just write or read. Well at least Michelle is better than Sascha. I don't know what I'm writing for now. Nothing is coming out so I'll stop. My legs feel anxious though!! UUUHHG!!!
I'm so numb right now because of the Adarax, but I'm starting to feel the emotion come back and I don't like it and that scares me. I could see myself becoming dependent on a drug like this and I don't want anymore problems than the ones I already have. I can understand why anyone would be a drug addict. Pot was always one thing it would only numb me to a certain extent, but this was like a complete void of emotion. I hate numbness and feel like it's a cop out. I feed off emotions so why today I loved the numbness so much I don't understand. I've been trying to journal without music. I think I can do it better and get more stuff out that way but it's just so loud on the unit I can hardly think so I have to go back to music again.
I really hate that Ashley doesn't work on the weekends because I've really needed her these last few days. I felt like I was suffocating being here and I want to go home so badly. I don't know if it's because of it being the weekend or how I feel in general but right now I feel like I'm at a stand still. I'm trapped in a cell and I cant get out until I can start my life. Once again though I'm in a fight with my circumstance because while I want to go home so desperately at the same time I want to stay and lose more weight and finish working on more stuff in therapy. My body image issue is still extreme and I don't want to go home at this weight. I'm pissed that I'm probably going to have to leave over 200 pounds. I told them when I first got here that what I wanted more than anything was to at least get under 200 because that's my scary weight and because to me that is still huge.
I'm really jealous that Emily and Mae can drop weight so fast and they both cheat bad, but I don't cheat on my diet and yet it's so hard for me to lose. I've put my heart and soul into this and they've only done this half assed. It's just not fair and I know it's because of my age and the fluctuations of my weight throughout my life but it still frustrates the hell out of me. I want to go home fitting and looking good in the clothes I want to wear. I don't want to leave still having to shop at fat people stores. I know that when I'm home I'll still be working phase three and exercising a lot. I can't say I have all the confidence yet but I know I'll get to the place I want to be or at least close to it. First and foremost I need to love myself, my whole self including my body no matter what size I am. That's going to be really hard and sometimes I think it's an impossible task, but I hope I'm wrong and I will be able to. For all of these reasons and more I know I need to stay here, but I so strongly strongly want to go home and do this there because at least now I have enough confidence that I can stick to phase 3 at home. The hard part will be my urges to binge and the refrigerator. Maybe I should start to write my cravings down and my emotions behind them or maybe when I have a craving I'll exercise or ask someone to go out or I'll talk to my dad or Danielle or call mom or depending what time it is Lorenna. I could put on a movie I love, I could journal or look up things (non food related) on the internet. I'll take up chewing gum a lot, that way I'll at least take care of my oral fixation. I could even just make a collage of what I used to look like and how I felt and take it out and look at it. Look at what the binging used to do to me. Right now it's easy to think not binging won't be that hard because I'm here but I know realistically it will be the hardest thing to keep myself from doing. Maybe this whole getting a sponsor thing wouldn't be such a bad idea. Just the fact that I'm thinking of these things makes me even more confident that I'm going to be okay.
The unit situation after five and a half months hasn't gotten any better and in fact keeps getting worse. On Thursday Michelle is leaving and she's the only other sane one here. I've been lucky to have the roommates that I've had since Jenny. Well now unless magically someone good gets admitted (which pretty much never happens) I'm going to be trying to keep my head above water in this fucking circus alone. That makes me want to go home most of all. The new girl Amy had potential but thats all shot and gone to hell now. I'm scared, it's hard enough to survive here as one of the sane ones and remain sane with someone else sane experiencing the same things you are. How am I gonna do this alone?!?! Realistically I know I will because I don't have a choice but to, but the thought of it scares the SHIT out of me.
They say everything you go through makes you stronger. People have been saying that to me my whole life and I've always truly believed it. But at this point I don't fucking care, I'm tired. This place just magnifies the problems you already have because you're just so overwhelmed dealing with the violence, pettiness, noise and just overall bullshit. So when you get a real problem or your just trying to deal with your life problems that got you in here it's like the world has just dropped Mt. Everest on your head and you have to somehow dig yourself out of it. To stay or leave has been a constant battle since the first day I stepped into Chestnut. Every time the Benefits of staying outweighed my desire to go home. Now I'm not sure, though I guess part of me is still leaning towards staying and I do know if the insurance company cut me off and said I had to leave I would be livid and terrified. I would scream "I need to stay" But part of me feels like I couldn't scream "I'm not ready" because part of me feels like I am. I guess whatever happens happens. If I stay I'll survive the ten weeks as hard as it will be and if I leave I'll be okay and survive being home and learn to live my life.
I don't want to fake this finding a mechanism because I really want it to work so I can stop obsessing. I am a fatalist. I don't think anything is going to work. Maybe because I put so much....
I never finished the above entry but I ended up doing the mechanism that Ashley taught me and it worked. I added my own stuff to it like when the thought would try to creep back I would yell in my head "No I am not thinking about you now!!!" On Monday I better have therapy for many reasons. One reason being that I'm excited to tell Ashley that it worked and how I added my own twist. So just in case I get to a point where I'm obsessing really bad and I can't remember what to do this is what it is: Write down every passing thought on different little sheets of paper then go back and read through them and decide what's true and what's not. Keep the true ones and deal with those in therapy. For the false ones do some sort of ritual like ripping each thought up individually and throw them away while saying "this is false and I'm refusing to let myself think about this anymore!" Or do the same thing but instead of ripping them up burn them with a candle or whatever. If they start to come up again say "NO!" and don't let them back in ANY of them true or false this way I can deal with my obsessive thoughts in a much healthier way. This is only one of the many mechanisms I hope to learn and see if they work for me. I'm scared it wont work again but at the same time I think it will and I feel good seeing that I can control this somewhat! I don't feel as helpless to my head.
I think the reason I didn't want to leave here until I’ve lost all my excess weight is because I'm scared to be with a guy and still be big. What I'm starting to realize though is that what if I get to my Ideal weight and I'm still terrified?! My fear isn't about my weight, I know that but yet I'm still blaming so much on it. I was just sitting here thinking, what if I go home, dress how I want to and some guy starts to like me (which by the way, while I was writing that made me nervous and think that it will never happen) and I realized how terrified I'd be. I've spent so much of my life trying to make sure that would never happen that I don't know how to get out of that mindset. I'm twenty years old, how much longer am I going to keep pushing this away? The truth is my size doesn't matter, It has nothing to do with that. What matters is I'm terrified and that's what I need to deal with. I'm terrified of intimacy. The idea of opening my heart and allowing myself to be vulnerable scares the shit out of me. It all comes down to vulnerability which is strange because even though all my life I've given other people so much power, the thing that scares me the most is letting someone have any form of control over me. That doesn't make sense but I guess it's subconscious and I'm scared of letting someone do that. Scratch that..I just realized what it is. What I'm scared of is giving up some of my control. The control that has guarded me my whole life. I need to find something, someway to get past this. Maybe it's a good thing I'm not going home at 140 pounds because it will give me time to work on this so by the time I am at that weight I wont freak out and gain all the weight back. I'll be ready or at least more prepared to deal with this. Part of me just says go and make yourself do it, have sex and get it over with. But I know that I would probably be scarred more If I did that or I would just go in the other direction and become promiscuous and use my control that way. This is so fucking complex.