** All entries are from actual journals I kept at the time
Everyone Journals here, and I understand why. This is prob the most intense thing I've ever gone through. I'm starting to deal with things hardcore and that is really scary for me to handle. I'm really confused because sometimes I can't tell if I'm crying for myself or for everyone else here. I really wish I could love myself, I don't know why I hate myself so much but I do. Today at body Image experiential I broke down. Truthfully I don't know why. They say that you start to feel things and that everything becomes really emotional because you can't use the coping skill that you’re used to numbing the pain, FOOD. So instead of stuffing it down it comes up and you have to feel it. It's a good thing, this I know, it's just draining, emotional and intense.
I have a headache from crying...I think I've had a headache everyday I've been here so far. I'm glad I got to cry today because I've been feeling really weird lately like something was just waiting to get out of me. I have a feeling i'll be crying a lot here, but that's a good thing, and oh, I have to get over my fear of crying in front of people cause I think holding it back is what gives me a headache. Truthfully I haven't really missed anyone. I kind of like being away from home and friends and drama. Not that there isn't any drama here but at least it's justified and not some stupid boy shit. Oh and I had family therapy with my dad yesterday. He blames himself for my suicide attempt. I feel so guilty and I told him it was not his fault by any means. I had a feeling he blamed himself though. He told me that he won’t be able to trust me when I get home because he believes that in the past his trust has hurt me. This is going to make going home twice as hard, but I did this to myself and I know he just wants me to be safe. I will just have to build up my trust with him.
The suicide attempt scares me so much because I promised myself that I'd never do it again, but then I did. So what if I promise myself now, and then do it again. I really hope I don't....that scares the crap out of me. My headache feels like it's gone away, I hope it has. I guess I've just had so much crap going on in my head that it's such a release to get it out on paper.
I was talking to Rachel and we were talking about how worried we were about certain people leaving and I realized something. When you're one of the level headed healthier people here it's hard to work on yourself because you're so busy babysitting everyone else. It's so hard not to do that because I'm so used to feeling like I have to help people. It's like even though I'm here for me I can't walk away when I see someone struggling. The saddest thing is that I've only been here for five days yet I'm doing ten times better than half the people here. That by no means, means that I'm not majorly screwed up and don't need insane amounts of help. It's just some of the people here are so sick and it saddens me. I really can't believe half the people who are leaving are actually allowed to leave, because they are so not ready. I don't understand the people who after two weeks are ready to go home, because I've been here for five days and I feel like I've only begun to touch on everything. I know I'm not gonna be cured and not gonna be able to deal with everything before I leave here. That would be impossible. But I just want to be able to deal with dealing with it on my own by the time I leave. Bahhhh I don't want to think about leaving, it scares the crap out of me.
I'm so tired. I hardly slept the first three nights I was here, because my roommate snored ALOT. But luckily now that I've gotten a room change I'm able to sleep. I almost fell asleep in community today. On the smoke porch they were talking about how they think everyone is so gorgeous and it's true they are....but I still don't think I am. I felt like they were just including me because they didn't want to hurt my feelings and say "You're ugly." I don't think I'll ever think I'm pretty. Right now we're doing team building and it's like "girls night." They're doing each others nails and makeup and stuff. I'm just sitting here and I feel so stupid and ugly and gross.