It was summer and I still hadn’t gotten a job. My parents were pissed, my therapist was pissed, and I was just lazy and wanted to watch TV. I was still holding on to the dream of going back to SVA, although I have no idea why. Whenever I thought about making that commute or going back to that environment, I wanted to vomit all over the place. But Lorenna had just been accepted and I wanted something to live for other than just faking taking care of myself. At this point I think I was the only one pretending I still had a chance of coming up with the over two thousand dollars I agreed to make in order to go back. I had been half-assing job searches for weeks, ignoring the majority of ‘help wanted’ signs I came across. It didn’t help that every time I garnered up the courage to walk into a place, I had to ignore the dirty looks I would get when I’d ask for an application. News for all the business owners or managers reading this: If an overweight person, or someone with a physical deformity comes into your place of business asking for a job, don’t look them up and down with a smirk on your face before begrudgingly reaching for an application, it’s rude.
Needless to say after months of only kind of looking, I had no luck, and honestly I was okay with that. On the other hand my parents understandably weren’t and pulled the family therapy card. I spent a sad/exhausting hour being reprimanded for my lack of employment and effort. I had been caught and I had no choice but to get my ass back out there and try again.
My friend Dan was working at a Japanese restaurant in Huntington Village and offered to get me an interview. I had no prior food service experience, but we hatched up a plan. He would tell them I had worked with him at the (now closed) restaurant where he worked the previous summer and I would play along. I was stoked on the idea of being able to work with one of my closest friends. They loved Dan, who is one of the funniest and most lovable people I know, so I knew my chances were golden. This job was mine for the taking and when I got the call to come in I couldn’t have been more excited.
I pumped myself up for the interview while I parked my car and dreamt of all the hilarious sushi jokes Dan and I would come up with once we fell into our “rolls” as best co-workers ever (I apologize). He was in the middle of helping a table, when I got there, so while I waited for him to finish, I took the chance to look around. The place was smaller than it seemed from the outside, which was a relief since I had never served anything in my life. It was pretty quiet because it was lunchtime, but it looked like even during their peak hours it never got too crazy. I imagined all the fun we could have, the delicious free food we would get, and the money I would make and thought to myself, “I could totally work here.”
Dan ran over as soon as he was done and we giddily hugged each other before he went in the back to tell someone I was there. I waited in the entranceway trying not to make it so obvious that my entire body was trembling. About two minutes later, he came out of the kitchen with a tiny Asian woman who was at least a foot shorter than me. As she walked towards me her eyes grew twice their size and she started to giggle. My former excitement began to shift into pure terror the closer she got. Without so much as a handshake she looked at me and said with obvious uncertainty, “Ok, follow me upstairs.”
We silently walked up the stairs and as soon as we made it through the doorway, I kid you not, bitch sizes me up, starts full on laughing and goes, “YOU SO BIG! DAN NO SAY YOU SO BIG!!” Her words hit me hard and the blood drained out of my entire body, yet I still followed her to a table and continued to have the interview. “We love Dan, we trust Dan. He say you a good worker, but how you even going to fit in the place?!? How you fit in uniform?”, starts laughing again “You have to wear a men’s extra large!!!” My brain shut down and my eyes glazed over, I was frozen in a complete state of shock. I took in every disgusting word that spewed out of her mouth and from what I can gather, didn’t say anything except, “okay, goodbye” after she loudly sighed, shook her head and told me they’d call me.
I ran out of the restaurant without saying anything to Dan. I was horrified and beyond embarrassed and I needed to get to my car as quickly as possible. The shock had lifted and the entire scenario was rushing back to me. Before I could even shut the car door I was slumped over my steering wheel and crying so hard that my body was full on convulsing. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. It was so horrible that there was just no way I could comprehend it. How was it possible that any human, especially an adult human, could be so insensitive, so hurtful, so violently mean? How was it possible that people like that existed? And how was it possible that I had just been a victim of one?
I was completely traumatized, and in that moment, as far as I was concerned, I was never going to look for another job again. It was then that I accepted the fact that I would be attending Nassau Community College come Fall. SVA just wasn’t worth it. My parent's laid off me once I walked through the door of my dad's house, drenched in tears and snot, and told him what had happened. I think they were just as scared as I was that I could be put in that position again, and none of us wanted to take that chance.
Sometimes I want to knock my teeth out. Sometimes I want to die, or rip my heart out. If I wasn't scared of cutting I would. Even now I could still think of killing myself!!!!! Right now though I choose not to. FUCK THIS. FUCK MY LIFE. FUCK MY FAT FUCK BEING ALONE. FUCK SOCIETY. FUCK SEX. FUCK RELATIONSHIPS. FUCK INTIMIDATION. FUCK PEOPLE. FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today I spent twenty minutes in a job interview with a woman telling me I'm too fat to work there. I HATE THIS FUCKING LIFE!!!!! Side note...I just remembered I binged right before I tried to kill myself the last time. I'M SO ANGRY AT THE WORLD RIGHT NOW AND I'M FEELING REALLY DISGUSTING AND FAT!!!!!